A few weeks ago, I was interviewed by the lovely Tunisia Engram for her segment called, Lyrically Speaking' for a new locally-based show called 'In The Midst'. The show airs on Comcast channel 66 and Verizon channel 29 every Wednesday at 1pm.
It was a great experience and I'm so appreciative that she even thought of me!
Catch me at the 12:44 mark:)
Click the link:
Watch In the Midst Pilot on Vimeo! http://vimeo.com/15615090
Enjoy!
This one is not about the music.
I had a really fucking awesome day today.
I talked to a friend, and actually said what it is I feel inside, about my music and, it sounded like everything it is supposed to be.
Found a super cute dress for 5 bucks!
I got out the house and, the feeling of loneliness wasn’t with me. I was just in my skin, and loving it.
So…
This is my suicide letter to some of the people in my life.
I’m jumping off the bridge, splitting my wrists, and overdosing on the pills of self-pity. Because you don’t trust me. You regret the past or, you have no faith in me or what I do. I put the gun to my ears to keep from hearing, “it’s just a phase”
Suicide is selfish. That’s why I don’t point the finger at any of you. I point the finger at me, and my gift of a big heart that I allowed to be an enabling curse for all you selfish bastards.
This is an explanation because I want to give it. And I’m just simply exhausted of fighting to be noticed. Yes, you see me but, do you see me? The person that I am, I’ve grown to be and will continue to be?
It is absolutely liberating, to be honest and secure and vocal, and humble enough to get on my knees and pray every day. To take time every day to spend with me, myself and I yet, it still feels like it’s not enough for you. And you. And you, and…
Guess what? I kill myself. I’m dead. Allow me to fall off like a scab from a bruise you got when you were young, never to leave a trace. But if I do leave a stain on your skin, allow someone else to heal it because, I will not be guilty any longer for past mistakes.
I may lose some friends, followers, or foes. But what I have and will continue to gain, feels absolutely, unbelievably astounding.
The freedom to be me. The talkative, sweetheart that would give her last bite to the man on the corner. That would offer the lady at the bus stop a ride to her home on the other side of town. The woman who, offers food, shelter and a chance for others to vent, with just one phone call or text.
The woman who thinks naiveté is okay, just as long as you see the world as a beautiful place with some sort of a definition of a happy ending.
The woman that gets so overwhelmed that, she just needs a break but won’t take it because she knows that someone out there needs her. And if they don’t, they sure are playing the role well...
The woman that has finally kicked away the chair but you were too busy, saying what she doesn’t do, to even notice.
Day 3:
Dear Parents-
You two, individually are awesome. As a unit, you meant well. I don’t mean to sound cold but we all know by now, it just is what it is.
I cant say that this letter will be loving. Not at all. In a matter-of-fact way, this letter will simply display that product that you both are responsible for. The goal that you both vowed for, under God. The test that you both have failed.
And then, in your self-centered agreement, you bought children into the equation and, taught them the exact way not to do it. So…
Who do we look up to?
Who do we ask, which way to go?
What kind of Mother to be?
What kind of man is an ideal candidate to be the Father and Husband to the unit that we are meant to create?
You both are selfish. But I can’t blame you but so much. At 28, I should have been able to figure out the mess made by now, right?
I know these questions will be answered with, “Well, we can’t turn back time…” so, I just don’t ask them anymore. I often catch myself, taking it out on my significant other and, ultimately causing a relationship to struggle. But, I’m not the only one and, you are not the only parents to blame. There are tons like you, who sought something that they THOUGHT was the dream. Not having a blueprint yourselves, you just continued the domino effect.
So, a generation is teaching itself how to love, honor, cherish and obey. Simple rules, crafted for the selfless…
Simple rules that, immature definitions of love couldn't possibly follow…
The cycle. It stops. Right here. Right now.
Sincerely, Your Child
Day 2:
Dear Crush-
You still rock my socks.
You make me blush and I get stupid clumsy, giddy, and downright stupid whenever we speak.
Love stoned? Heck yea!
Can you still be a crush, even though we were already a couple? Obviously…
I guess I shouldn’t call it crushing for that reason. It’s loving. Yep…
Always pick up your calls. Pressed.
Does that make you a crush or me vulnerable?
And now, A Poem for You:
From the moment I saw you,
I knew you were the one…
Your fly, matched my fly
Yes, you’re my type of guy.
No, I can’t explain it,
My thoughts? I can’t contain it…
More than a crush,
Oh baby, its love…
But its killing me softly that I cannot have you,
Still want you,
Still need you,
I can’t explain why…
I only have eyes for you
Not a star in the sky…
I don’t know if it’s cloudy or bright…
When that boy walks by,
Angels in heaven align…
But its killing me softly that I cannot have you,
Still want you,
Still need you,
I can’t explain why…
I only have eyes for you
Sincerely, Your Admirer
Day 1:
Dear Best Friend-
Let me count the ways that make you just that. Oh wait, I can’t measure why, you’ve just always been. Since the day I was born, you made a promise to me that, even if I didn’t return the love, you would always be there for me.
Even when we weren’t speaking I could call for a cry. You’d give me advice. Sometimes words I didn’t like. And even when you rang my phone to let tears go, I was there too. It wasn’t even near reciprocation. Nothing I can do can even compare to what you have already done. Even after I realized the world was bigger than me, you still allowed me to think that I was the most beautiful girl in the entire world.
And why are we able to bond like we do? I mean, for real, we’re WAAAYYY past the “nurturing” stages.
I’m certain you already know that though. It’s your nature that I now need. That know-how to make it, day-by-day. That energy, the strength to know when to say when. The inherent instincts that only a woman can possess. The ability to love. And forgive. The blueprint of discipline and perseverance. The one thing that I can’t understand though: why did you compensate with gifts? A good conversation, a gentle touch, a sweet hug or a kiss would have made my day better than any material possession I owned.
I realize now, that you didn’t know any other way because you weren’t shown any other way. I know it’s selfish that I still feel bitter but, I see myself becoming you. Everything else would be an honor to duplicate. But compensation is ruining my relationships and, by the time I figure it out, it’s often too late. No fault of yours, just letting my bestie know… ;)
And yet, you still managed to be the best damned Mother in the entire world. How? How did you pull it off? How are you still able to give me encouraging words followed by the meanest side-eye?
I pray to one day have your strength.
I pray to one day have your humility.
I pray to one day have your consistency.
I pray to one day have your compassion.
I pray to be as steadfast as you still are.
Until then, I will continue to be your biggest fan- The Princess looking up to her Queen.
Sincerely, Your Baby.
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